


I'm Trying (Give Me Something To Hold On To)

by WinterSky101



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Post-City of Ashes, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-01
Updated: 2015-05-01
Packaged: 2018-03-26 15:30:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3855793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WinterSky101/pseuds/WinterSky101
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s like every one of Alec’s nightmares rolled up into one when Maryse walks in on him and Magnus kissing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Trying (Give Me Something To Hold On To)

It's like every one of Alec's nightmares rolled up into one when Maryse walks in on him and Magnus kissing.

His parents aren't supposed to be back until  _eleven_ , damn it. They were out on business for the Clave or something, Max is asleep, Jace and Isabelle are out with Clary and Simon at Pandemonium, and Alec was bored. He texted Magnus, who happened to be in the area (or so he claims, Alec isn't so sure). Since Alec was alone, when Magnus asked to come over, Alec told him yes. Magnus showed up a few minutes after that and they've just progressed from slightly awkward small-talk to kissing when Alec's mother opens his bedroom door. Alec notices that the door is opening too late. His mother's already seen. Her eyes are wide and she looks shocked. Alec acts before he can think and pushes Magnus away.

"Get away from me!" he demands loudly. Magnus looks hurt and confused. He can't see Alec's mother behind him. The pain his eyes stabs at Alec's heart.

Maryse's expression has gone from shocked to furious. "What is going on in here?" she demands.

Magnus turns, sees Maryse, and looks from her to Alec, understanding dawning in his eyes. Alec can see his face pale.

"It's just a misunderstanding," Alec says in a steady voice.

Magnus swallows hard before he nods. "It-it was…um…" Magnus looks to be at a loss for words, a rare occurrence. "Alec's right. It was a misunderstanding. I'm very sorry." Magnus leaves the room quickly, not looking back once.

Alec wants to follow him, but Maryse is still in the doorway. "Alec, what happened?" she demands. "Did that…did that  _warlock_  do anything to you? Did he attack you?"

"It was a misunderstanding, Mother," Alec explains tiredly. "A mistake. It won't happen again." Technically, he's telling the truth. This exact circumstance will never happen again. Alec will never be so stupid as to let his mother walk in on him and Magnus ever again. If she assumes he means that he'll never kiss Magnus again, well, that's her problem.

"I should hope not," Maryse mutters under her breath. "I don't want to see you with that warlock again. He's bad news."

"He's saved my life a few times," Alec replies mildly.

Maryse narrows her eyes. "For his own reasons, I would assume. I don't want you to spend time with him."

"Alright, Mother." Again, Alec isn't  _really_  lying. He's heard what his mother requested and he's accepting that she said it. That doesn't mean he's going to follow the rule. He'll just have to be more sneaky about it.

The second Maryse leaves the room, Alec grabs his cell phone.  _im sorry about my mom,_  he texts Magnus. He waits a minute. There's no response.

 _and im sorry about what i did,_  he adds. Magnus doesn't reply.

 _i had to do something. i couldnt tell her the truth,_  Alec sends, feeling slightly defensive. Nothing.

 _are you mad at me?_  No response.

_of course you are. you should be. im really sorry, magnus._

_please text me._

_magnus, i didnt think. im sorry._

_please dont hate me._

Magnus doesn't reply, and he doesn't answer any of the texts through the whole night either. Alec knows. He stays up all night, phone in his hand, not wanting to miss Magnus if he should call or text back.

He doesn't.

* * *

Magnus Bane, the centuries-old High Warlock of Brooklyn, is most definitely  _not_  upset over some stupid Shadowhunter boy. He is  _not_ trying to hold back tears, and he is  _not_  whining to Chairman Meow about it.

And well, technically all of that is true. Because Magnus isn't upset over "some stupid Shadowhunter boy." He's upset over Alexander Lightwood, who is a Shadowhunter and can be an idiot of immense proportions, but is never just "some boy." He's Alec, the boy with the most beautiful blue eyes and black hair that Magnus has ever seen, even more stunning than Will Herondale's back in late-1800s England. The boy who got poisoned by Abbadon while trying to save his family. The boy that let Magnus, a warlock and a Downworlder, be his first kiss. The boy that is willing to date someone who he knows is half-demon, even though everyone in his family would undoubtedly be against it. The boy that fell off of a boat, almost drowned, was concussed, and  _still_  let Magnus use his energy so he wouldn't pass out from using too much magic. The boy who-

Chairman Meow bats at Magnus's leg and gives him a look. Magnus realizes he's been extolling all of Alec's virtues out loud. He sighs deeply.

"Oh, Chairman, what do I do?" he asks his cat. "I think I might be in love with this stupid Shadowhunter, and he can't even tell his family about me. He pushed me away! We were kissing and he pushed me away from him! He pretended I was nothing to him! He could  _see_  how much it hurt me, and he did it anyway." Chairman Meow only gives Magnus a disinterested look. "I know," Magnus adds, as if the cat responded. "I shouldn't care this much. It was just a little thing, after all. But it's not a little thing, Chairman. That's the problem. He won't tell his family about me, and I'm pretty sure he's still pining over that stupid Jace boy, and I don't want to just be someone that he visits on occasion, when he's got nothing better do to. God help me, I want more than that, Chairman."

Chairman Meow bats at Magnus's vibrating cell phone. "That's probably someone who needs help," Magnus mumbles glumly. He picks up the phone to see that no, it's not. It's a text from Alec. The eighth text that Alec has sent him in less than ten minutes, to be precise. Magnus guesses he was talking to Chairman too much to notice the last seven. He eyes the phone warily. "What do you think I should do, Chairman?" he asks his cat. Chairman Meow climbs into Magnus's lap and curls up in a ball. Magnus sighs and pets his cat's fur gently. "On the one hand, I could text him back and say it's all okay and I forgive him. On the other hand…" Magnus sighs. "I don't know if I do forgive him, Chairman."

Chairman Meow seems remarkably disinterested and jumps out of Magnus's lap. "Some friend you are," Magnus mutters under his breath. He looks down at his phone. Almost against his own volition, his fingers tap the screen and send him to the texts Alec sent. By the time he gets to the last message (as if he could ever hate Alec, no matter what he did!) Magnus is close to tears. Quickly, he taps out a message to reassure Alec that he's been forgiven, and it's okay, and  _of course_  Magnus doesn't hate him. Magnus's finger hovers over the "send" button.

Then he remembers the pain of being shoved away, being rejected yet again by the one to whom he's given his entire heart. He remembers when Alec frantically denied that they were dating, back at Luke's house before the battle with Valentine. He remembers watching Alec and Jace and seeing what a blind man could: that Alec still has feelings for his  _parabatai_. He remembers asking Alec when he would tell his parents about their relationship, and he remembers Alec coming up with an excuse and leaving the apartment without answering.

Magnus's finger moves from the "send" button to the "delete" button. He pauses for a moment, then presses it.

The message disappears, as if he never wrote it in the first place.

* * *

Magnus hasn't answered. It's breakfast time and he still hasn't answered. There's no way he hasn't gotten Alec's texts. If there had only been one, then yeah, maybe he would have missed it. But Alec sent eight texts, and Magnus hasn't replied to any of them. So he's ignoring him. It's the only answer.

Sadly, Alec shoves his phone in his pocket. He's starving and exhausted, so he goes out to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee and some breakfast. He doesn't really want to eat, but he knows he has to. He and Jace are planning to spar today, and while Jace normally beats him anyway, Alec wants to at least have a chance. He can't spar on an empty stomach.

Isabelle is already sitting in the kitchen when Alec enters. He almost turns around and leaves upon seeing her. He doesn't want to talk, especially if she's heard anything from their mother. But Isabelle catches sight of Alec right before he can leave and calls over to him.

"Hey, Alec! Mom made scrambled eggs. And she told me a funny story while she was doing it." Isabelle's smirking and Alec can feel his stomach drop. "Apparently, she walked in on you and Magnus kissing last night." Alec is going to be sick. Isabelle doesn't seem to notice. "She said you guys told her it was a misunderstanding. I don't think she totally bought it." Yup, Alec is definitely going to vomit. "It's okay, though," Isabelle adds, this time realizing that her brother looks petrified. "She asked me if I had seen anything weird going on with you two, and I told her that you barely even talked to each other. I totally covered for you. I think she believed it. You're welcome, by the way."

"Thank you," Alec whispers.

Isabelle frowns. "I'm sure you could tell Mom and Dad. They might not love it a first, but they'll come around. I'm sure they will." Alec just shrugs noncommittally and grabs a bowl from the cupboard. "I'm serious," Isabelle adds. "You have to tell them at some point. They deserve to know, and Magnus deserves more than skulking around in the shadows when there's no one there to see you two."

"Since when do you care so much about my relationship with Magnus?" Alec demands.

Isabelle sighs. "Since I realized he's probably one of the best things that's ever happened to you," she replies. "You're happy with him in your life. Happier than I think I've ever seen you. And he obviously cares about you. You're cute together and you're good for each other. Plus the fact that Magnus is great when it comes to fashion, and maybe that'll rub off on you if you keep spending time with him."

"Hey!" Alec protests.

Isabelle laughs. "Just kidding. But honestly, Magnus deserves more than this."

"I know," Alec replies with a sigh. "But…um, Izzy, I might have a problem."

"What?" Isabelle asks, looking worried.

Alec shifts his weight from leg to leg as he spoons some of the eggs into his bowl. "Well, when Mom walked in on me kissing Magnus, I panicked and I might have pushed him away." The words come out in a rush, but if Isabelle's expression is anything to go by, she still understood it.

"You  _what_?" she demands angrily. "God, Alec, why the hell would you do that?"

"I don't know!" Alec replies, his frustration with himself clear in his voice. "I was freaking out and it was the first idea that came to mind. And now Magnus is pissed at me and he won't reply to my texts."

"Have you tried actually calling him?" Isabelle asks.

Alec frowns. "No. I texted him eight times. Why should I call him?"

Isabelle sighs deeply. "Oh, Alec," she says in a long-suffering voice. "Calling someone and texting them are very different things. I'm not saying it'll definitely work, but it might. And it's better than texting. Give it a try."

Alec pulls his phone out of his pocket, then looks over at Isabelle. "Could you…" His voice trails off and he gestures pathetically at the door. Isabelle instantly gets the hint.

"Sure. I have to get dressed anyway. Good luck!" With that, Isabelle exits the kitchen, leaving Alec alone with his phone. He stares at it, willing his hand to stop shaking already, and then goes to his contacts until he gets to Magnus's name. He had looked it up after the party, when Magnus had winked at Alec and told him to call him. Alec hadn't believed he was serious, but he had looked up the number anyway. And now, he's used it so many times he should probably put Magnus on speed-dial.

But now, he's just delaying, so Alec presses Magnus's contact and the phone dials his number. The phone rings.

And rings.

And rings.

 _He's probably asleep,_  Alec tries to reassure himself. Magnus never wakes up early, not unless there's some dire need to do so. He's probably still in bed.

(In reality, Magnus didn't manage to sleep a wink and he's perfectly aware of the ringing phone. He picks it up, sees it's Alec, and stares at it for a moment before putting it down. A moment later, he reaches over, grabs it, and is about to answer when-)

_You've reached the magnificent Magnus Bane, High Warlock of Brooklyn. Leave a message after the beep and I might get back to you at some point._

The phone beeps and Alec considers hanging up. Instead, words spill out of his mouth.

"Magnus, I'm really sorry about last night. I never meant… I didn't… Look, you know I'm not all that good with words, but I just wanted to apologize. I didn't mean to hurt you. I wish I could take it back, but, well, obviously I can't. But I am really sorry. Call me. Please." Alec slowly brings the phone away from his ear and disconnects the call. He hopes Magnus will listen to it when he wakes up and hopefully call Alec back.

(Meanwhile, miles away in an apartment in Brooklyn, Magnus is listening to the message. As it finishes, he considers calling Alec back. But instead, he sets the phone down on the couch and gets up to make breakfast for himself and Chairman Meow. No matter how much he wants to be, Magnus isn't sure he's quite ready to forgive and forget. He ignores the tears that well up in his eyes as he walks away from the phone.)

* * *

_Okay,_  Alec reflects,  _this is getting ridiculous._  It's almost noon. Magnus  _must_  be awake by now. And he still hasn't called Alec back. He must be really pissed. Alec wishes he would just listen to his damn apology so he would know that Alec is sorry. Or, if he doesn't accept the apology, he could at least have the decency to tell Alec that. But no, he's ignoring him.

Or maybe he lost his phone somehow. Maybe his phone is off. Maybe he's hurt. The most likely explanation is that he's ignoring Alec, but maybe there's a more sinister reason behind Magnus's silence. Suddenly, Alec hopes to God that Magnus is just ignoring him, because even if that thought makes his heart clench painfully, at least Magnus is okay. Otherwise… Well, Alec doesn't even want to consider the thought that maybe Magnus is hurt and bleeding out in some alley between the Institute and his apartment in Brooklyn and oh God what if he is? Alec needs to get to Magnus's apartment  _now_  and check if he's there.

"Alec, you ready to get your ass kicked?" Jace asks, coming into the training room. Alec is going for the door. "Alec? What's going on?"

"I have to go," Alec says stiffly.

Jace frowns and starts to follow him down the hall. "What's wrong? I thought we were going to spar."

"I need to check something. It's important. I'll spar with you when I get back." Alec's only half-aware of what he's saying. What's the fastest way to Brooklyn? He'll take the subway. Perhaps a cab would be faster, but Alec doesn't have the money to get a cab from Manhattan to Brooklyn.

"Alec!" Jace grabs his arm, forcing him to stop. "What the hell is going on?"

"Let go of me," Alec demands. Jace doesn't move. "Jace, this is important!"

"What is?" Jace asks. He sounds worried.

Alec doesn't want to tell him. He does anyway. "I think Magnus might be hurt. I'm going to Brooklyn to make sure he's okay."

Now Jace looks confused. "Okay, but why do you think he's hurt?"

Alec wants to scream with frustration. "Jace, I'll explain after, but right now, I need to go! If Mom asks where I am, can you cover for me?"

"What do you want me to tell her?" Jace asks.

Alec is running down the hall, but he stops and turns. "I don't know! Anything! Please, Jace?"

"Okay," Jace replies with a sigh. "I'll think of something. Be careful."

"Thank you!" Alec calls back. Jace mutters something, but Alec isn't sure what. He doesn't care. He has to get to Magnus. By the Angel, what if Magnus really  _is_  hurt? Badly? Of course, there's the very plausible option that he could be ignoring Alec, but  _what if he's hurt?!_  Alec will never be able to forgive himself if Magnus is lying somewhere, injured, and Alec doesn't get to him.

No one stops Alec as he leaves the Institute. His stele is in his pocket, and he's got a dagger strapped to his leg like always, but he's otherwise unarmed. Perhaps this isn't the most well-thought-out plan. Actually, there's no doubt in that. This is not a well-thought-out plan at all. But Alec can't help but go through with it.

Alec gets to Brooklyn in a little under an hour. His leg jumps under his hand through the entire subway ride. He sketches an unlocking rune on the door to Magnus' apartment complex and rushes inside, taking the stairs three at a time. When he reaches Magnus' apartment, he bangs on the door so hard he fleetingly considers that he might actually break it down.

Then the door opens and Magnus is on the other side, his eyes wide in shock.

"Magnus-" Alec begins, just as Magnus slams the door. Alec manages to shove his foot in the way, just barely, and keeps the door from closing fully.

"Magnus, wait! I just want to apologize, and-"

"I've gotten your texts and your voicemail," Magnus replies in an icy voice that doesn't sound at all like him. "I've heard your apology, and I want you to leave."

"Magnus, please!" Tears are prickling behind Alec's eyes, but he can't let them fall. Magnus looks up him and must see them, as he relents and steps back, opening the door and letting Alec in.

"I'm not forgiving you," Magnus warns him as he walks to the kitchen. "Not yet." Chairman Meow slinks over to Alec and winds around his ankles, purring. "Traitor."

"So," Magnus states, opening his refrigerator and pulling out a drink, pointedly not offering one to Alec, "what do you want to talk about?"

"I want to apologize," Alec replies, leaning down to pick up Chairman Meow. Magnus gives either him or the cat a dirty look, so Alec promptly sets him back down on the couch.

"Which you've done already. And I haven't accepted it yet." The blunt tone of voice hurts Alec more than he'd like to admit. "What's different now? Did you bring me flowers and chocolates?"

"Should I have brought you flowers and chocolate?" Alec asks, suddenly wondering if they would have helped.

Magnus laughs humorlessly. "Your sense of sarcasm could use some work."

"Why do you alway do that?" Alec demands.

Magnus raises an eyebrow. "Do what?"

"Deflect with humor," Alec explains. "Whenever you're uncomfortable, you just make jokes and try to laugh it off."

"Whereas you disappear or blame someone else," Magnus replies acidly.

Alec winces, but honestly, he deserved that. "I'm sorry, I really am," he begs. "I shouldn't have done that, I-"

"When do you plan to tell your parents about me? About  _us_?" Magnus demands. Alec freezes. He should have been expecting this question, but it catches him by surprise anyway. "No answer," Magnus says bitterly. "Let's face it, you don't plan to ever admit to this."

"Izzy knows…" Alec protests pitifully.

Magnus scoffs. "Did you tell her or did she figure it out on her own?" he asks. Alec doesn't answer that. "And we both know you'll never tell Jace-"

"What's that supposed to mean?!" Alec interrupts.

Magnus huffs out a cold laugh. "You're still in love with him. A blind man could see it." The words sting, as they're meant to.

"I know you're hurt about my mom, but-"

"But it's not just about your mom, Alec!" Magnus cries. "It's about all the little things that have happened, the things you've done or haven't done, that make it pretty damn clear this relationship won't last."

"Are you breaking up with me?" Alec whispers, feeling as if ice has been injected into his veins.

Magnus sighs. "Distance. We need distance."

The next thing Alec knows, he's standing outside Magnus' apartment building, clearly having been magicked there. For a moment, he just stares at the building. Then, shoulders slumped, he begins the trip back to the Institute.

* * *

"Jace said you skipped sparring with him to go to Magnus' earlier," Isabelle says as she enters Alec's room, completely ignoring that he's sprawled on his bed in a way that clearly indicates he wants to be left alone in his misery. Alec groans and places the pillow on top of his head. "He said you thought he was hurt?"

"I was wondering if he wasn't answering me because something was wrong," Alec replies, his voice muffled by the pillow.

Isabelle sits on the bed and pulls it off his face. "And what happened?" Alec just groans again and steals the pillow back, putting it over his face again. Isabelle yanks it off, grimacing. "That bad?"

"Whatever you're thinking, it was about ten times worse," Alec states. Isabelle coos sympathetically. "He said we needed distance."

"And are you giving him distance?" Isabelle asks. Alec shoots a guilty glance at his phone. Isabelle dives for it before he can stop her and flips it open.

"I understand that I may have been a bit excessive," Alec mutters.

Isabelle lets out a whine. "Alec, you've called him seventeen times in the past two hours! Did you leave a message for any of them?"

Alec avoids her eyes. "All of them."

"You've left him seventeen messages after he said he thought you two need distance?" Isabelle demands.

Alec presses his lips together. "I think he's gonna break up with me, Izzy," he whispers. "He was really angry. And he thinks I'm still in love with Jace."

"Are you?" Isabelle asks.

Alec shakes his head. "No, I don't think so. I don't even know if I ever really was."

"Did you tell Magnus that?"

"Not exactly."

"Aleeeeeeec," Isabelle whines, drawing his name out.

Alec avoids her eyes. "Does Jace know about the kiss?" he asks, wanting to change the subject at least a little.

Isabelle shrugs. "Mom probably asked him about it too."

Alec groans. "He's gonna be pissed."

"He won't care," Isabelle replied comfortingly.

Alec shook his head. "He's gonna be pissed that I didn't tell him."

"Oh." Isabelle nodded. "Yeah, probably." Alec whines and puts the pillow over his face again. Isabelle pulls it off. "You've got to quit with this whole pillow thing," she states, tossing the pillow across the room. Alec watches sadly as it lands near his door. He doubts Isabelle will let him get it and get back to the bed, and pulling the sheet over his face really just doesn't have the same effect.

"I'm trying to get you to  _go away_ ," Alec groans.

Isabelle just crosses her legs. "You should try telling Magnus the truth for once. And tell everyone else the truth too. Jace definitely suspects you're dating. You know that much." Alec winces at the memory. It wasn't one of his better moments. "And Mom and Dad will be happy you're happy."

"I'm not sure it's that simple," Alec tries to interrupt, but Isabelle isn't done, apparently.

"Max would love Magnus. He looks like one of those characters in the manga books he loves so much. And he would think that a warlock was super cool."

"Assuming Mom and Dad don't disown me and forbid you or Max from ever seeing me or Magnus again, and probably Jace too," Alec counters.

Isabelle sighs. "I really don't think Mom and Dad would do that."

"It's not something I particularly want to test on a whim," Alec mutters.

"This is just a whim to you?" Isabelle demands.

Alec sighs. "No, you're right. It's not. And I should tell them. But if Magnus and I are going to break up anyway, there's no point, is there?"

"Ask yourself that question, not me," Isabelle says, getting up and walking to the door. "Mom's cooking, but I can cover for you if you don't want to deal with a family dinner." Alec's face must show that he doesn't. "Just think about what I said," Isabelle urges, picking up Alec's pillow and tossing it back to him. He promptly places it over his face again, mostly just to annoy Isabelle. She laughs softly as she leaves the room.

Alec takes the pillow off his face and stares up at the ceiling. Then, even though he knows he shouldn't, he picks up his cell phone, dials Magnus' number, and waits.

* * *

Magnus doesn't ever pick up the phone. Alec calls him for days and he doesn't pick up. Finally, when Maryse has no choice but to call him for a Portal to Idris, Alec thinks that they might have the chance to talk, but Maryse never lets him out of her sight and Magnus seems supremely unwilling to discuss anything with Alec. It hurts.

When Alec makes it through the Portal, fending off the Forsaken as he does so, he promises himself that the next time he sees Magnus, he'll make things right.

(He does.)

**Author's Note:**

> My writing tumblr is [here](http://winterskywrites.tumblr.com/), if you're interested.


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